Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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