Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
