Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
