I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
