she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
There's a naked man in my car right now.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
