First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
