Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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