mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
