We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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