I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You've changed since you got that strap on
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
