My nipple is on Facebook.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
