ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
