Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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