Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
