I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just google imaged poop.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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