My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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