Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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