oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
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Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
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Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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