o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
