Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
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