I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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