apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
