this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
