I accidentally had phone sex last night
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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