my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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