getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
