It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
