my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
