dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
