She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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