i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
