see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
