that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
