dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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