note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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