if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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