I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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