I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
