Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My ass is underappreciated
I'm experimenting with sincerity
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
