I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
