barbara walters just said penis...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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