your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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