The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The chlamydia really affected his face.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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