Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
