I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
