we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
