I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
