You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
