You're so nebulous sometimes
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
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