The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
