Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
