i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
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My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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