I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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