Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
