I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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