I accidentally had phone sex last night
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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