I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
