just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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