I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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