I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
All I want is dick and wine.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
