It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
